Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
