they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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