His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
