She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
