I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
