I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
