It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize