Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
