he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
