plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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