I hate all girls vehemently.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
