I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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