You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
