Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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