You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
