I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
