i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
