I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
