Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
