i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole