oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes