Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
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I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
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A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.