I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Found your dick twin last night
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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