there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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