checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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