Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
