you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
