So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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