eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
