the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
