i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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