You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
