who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
