i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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