So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
