Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
two words...techno handjob
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet