giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
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We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
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