I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception