I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
