when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
