awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
