Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
