Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
