i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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