Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
