I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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