you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
