I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
