1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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