Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
