Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
