3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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