Dude my mom stole all your condoms
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
