I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
