piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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