he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
