Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
