i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
