he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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