Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
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Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
As shirtless as possible
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Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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