he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
