Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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