If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
