need another drink. this is the easiest way
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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