i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
