she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
