I just cut my nipple shaving
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
