I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
