well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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