I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.