hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
