nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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